should we be aiming to achieve our potential?
It’s a new year. The internet abounds with invitations and prompts to realise a “New Year, New You!” seek “self-improvement” and “achieving your potential!” Many coaches claim to help you do just this. But really, how helpful are these sentiments, and what do they really mean? In this post I share why I’ve become increasingly cynical about such terminology.
What is your potential?
Quite simply, your potential is anything within the realms of human capability. OK, for many of us we are held back from achieving many things we might aspire to thanks to our own limiting beliefs about who we are, what we’re capable off, what we deserve and how the world works. Beliefs are not facts. They are simply stories we tell ourselves and we get to choose these stories. This is where a coach can often help us become aware of some of the stories we tell ourselves, how they might be holding us back and what other stories we might choose that will support us better.
But let’s assume we’ve overcome our limiting beliefs and are now confident we can achieve whatever we set our minds to. And assuming it is in the realms of human capability (no matter how much I might wish to fly like a bird, that ain’t happening without a pilot’s licence and a lot of engineering) the world is literally our oyster. So what’s our potential? Well, anything and everything! There is no upper limit on our potential besides perhaps the number or hours in the day (and we all have the same number of those) and our life-span which we can’t predict. So how useful a goal is it to aim to achieve our potential? If I really wanted to and was really determined, I could quite feasibly be a multi-millionaire, a record-breaker, a best-selling author, a household name, a social media influencer, an international property magnate, a polar explorer, a deep-sea diver or a chat-show host for example. So if I don’t do all of those things, or indeed any of those things, am I failure? Have I not made the most of my capabilities, potential or life? And also there’s a big assumption here: that achieving all or any of these will make me happy and fulfilled.
At what cost…
It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement and allure of ambitious dreams and goals and to have expectations and assumptions about what it will be like to achieve them. We are bombarded in the media with idolatry: images of the beautiful, fit, rich and successful living their best lives! These are our new gods. But let’s remember for everything we say yes to, there are things we have to say no to. And we need to weigh these things in the balance if we don’t want to be disappointed when we achieve our chosen goals.
Easy things don’t give us a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. To achieve ambitious things takes time, energy and effort. But to say yes to all that effort, what might you have to say no to? Rest? Play? Health? Friends? Family? Creativity? Freedom? Familiarity? Is it worth it? It might absolutely be worth it. It might not. Only you can decide.
“No person has the power to have everything they want, but it is in their power to not want what they don’t have, and to cheerfully put to good use what they do have.”
Self-improvement then?
Shouldn’t we all be aiming to be better? To improve ourselves on a continual basis? If we’re not moving forward then we’re moving backwards or stagnating at the very least, right?
The problem with aiming for self-improvement is the underlying and often unconscious belief that we are not already enough. There’s a lack of acceptance that we are OK with who and how we are right now. I regularly teach about the importance of acceptance and self compassion as the starting point for change. It feels to many of us counter-intuitive. If we want to be better, surely accepting ourselves as we are gets us nowhere?
There’s an interesting paradox that I have experienced myself and witnessed with every single client. Many coaches focus on future goals - Who do you want to be? Where do you want to get to? How will you get there? Useful questions but with a heavy caveat. My years of mindfulness training and practice I have taught me the power of focussing on the here and now. Offering ourselves unconditional positive regard, full acceptance and love just as we are creates an internal atmosphere of psychological safety that allows us to try, fail and thereby grow far more effectively than when we compare and berate ourselves, strive and push for self-improvement. We learn to become our own coaches and cultivate the confidence to follow our hearts and dreams. Change quite naturally happens without our grasping for it.
“The fastest way to get from A to B is to be fully present at A.”
What does success mean to you?
I’m sure I speak for most people when I imagine that most of us want to look back at the end of our lives and think to ourselves: that was a life well lived. We all need to feel successful, appreciated, authentic, autonomous, capable and accomplished. We all want to have enjoyed life. But what we do to feel that will be different for each of us. Contemporary society lauds material wealth, social status, fame and noteworthy achievements. But what is important to you? We can’t all be CEOs or authors or Influencers. We need everyone and all the roles, however seemingly humble. A worm’s purpose might simply be to be a meal for a robin. But without that worm the whole food chain and ecosystem collapses. Perhaps that’s not an inspiring example. But it is the truth of Life. We cannot know the full impact of our purpose, our actions and efforts which extends beyond our inner circle and our lifetime. What about our legacy? Who’s more successful or important: a full time parent or an entrepreneur? I have no idea.
After experiencing childhood trauma as a result of untold generations of dysfunctional family relationships I was determined to heal those wounds and change the course of my family’s history. If I achieve nothing else in life except to strengthen my relationship with my sons and provide them a stable, nurturing and supportive home, then I will still consider myself wildly successful. Part of my purpose (we get to determine our purpose) has been achieved. And once we have achieved something that is important to us, we get to move on to other challenges. The key is to understand what is most important to us, really.
“A profusion of colours blinds the eye.
A cacophony of noises deafens the ear.
A flood of flavours numbs the tongue.
Rushing and chasing, the mind becomes unsettled.
Craving and desiring, the heart loses itself on crooked paths.
The Dao-aware satisfy bellies, not eyes.”
Our potential reveals itself
I couldn’t have told you what my purpose was a few years ago, but it is has revealed itself to me one small challenge, opportunity and serendipity at a time. And I have surprised myself over and over. I never set out to be a corporate coach for example, but that is where Life led me. I never saw that as my potential. I know what my current purpose is. I still don’t know what my potential is. I won’t find that out until I get to my death bed. But if I focus on my purpose, and successfully embrace and overcome each challenge as it arrives, I feel successful, accomplished and capable. I can’t help you achieve your potential. I don’t know what that is. Neither do you. None of us do.
My invitation to you then as we embark on a new year, is simply to know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now, and exactly who you are supposed to be right now (otherwise it would be different, right?) Fall in love with this person looking in the mirror. Accept them fully. Get to know them. What light’s them up? What do they need? What are their unique gifts and how are they sharing or not sharing them with the world. What is stopping them from doing so.
Discover that, and their potential just might surprise even you.